A New Way to Spell

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. For example: cough, plough, here, hear, bow, bough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would be administered by a committee of top level staff chosen by the participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee might suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. The hard "c" could then be replased by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. This would not only klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters and keyboards kould be made with one less letter, a signifikant savings.

In the sekond year, bekause of growing enthusiasm, it will be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f". This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor, we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w".

Finaly, ze unesesary "o" kuld be dropd from words kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer aftr yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten stil. Aftr tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis andevrion vud fin it ezi tu understan ech ozer. Ze drems of ze E.U. vud finali kum tru.